Parents Say the Darndest Things!

I know the expression is really 'kids say the darndest things', but when I stop and listen to myself reason with my own offspring sometimes I think, "Did I really just say that?"


In the interest of keeping it real and not taking it all tooooo seriously, I'm sharing some of my darndest things. Oh, and let's not forget the overused sounds-like-a-broken-record reminders I issue multiple times a day, every day, because of a little condition called selective hearing, from which my boys all seem to suffer. I'm hoping I'm not the only one on the verge of going crazy all up in here. In my defense, THE KIDS MAKE ME DO IT.

1) "Can I just have my coffee first?" Yes, I really just heard myself ask for permission to partake of my wake-up-cup-of-joe before getting immersed in the never ending feud of whose turn it actually is to play the PS3 right now. Or who is supposed to put away the cereal. Or who had the phone charger last. The real life or death issues of our time to be sure.

2) "I will have the last word, so you can stop talking now." Call it a character flaw if you want, but I cannot have a 'discussion' with my kids and not have the last word. This gets especially tricky when engaging with my son who has the same character flaw that I do. Said discussion can go on for way too long and inevitably ends with a ridiculous threat from me, i.e.- "say one more word and you are grounded for the rest of your life" or weird little noises that come from my mouth to interrupt him each time he tries to get in another syllable when it is OVER.

3) "Put a shirt on/brush your teeth/put on deodorant." Because it's not enough that these things are part of the daily routine for the civilized world or that we've only been over how important they are a million times. For some reason boys seem to think shirts are optional, teeth don't matter, and deodorant is overrated. No one told me one of my jobs as a mom is to have to convince them THESE THINGS MATTER. I pray that by the time they get to college, muscle memory takes over and it just happens. Otherwise, I may have to learn how to hypnotize them so they end up clothed, with clean teeth, and not reeking to high heaven at the end of the day.

4) "Summarize." Now, I'm actually proud of this one and request the highest of fives from my parenting peeps. A true honest-to-goodness lightbulb moment of genius struck when I realized I could take a reading strategy my boys learned at school and use it at home so my ears don't fall off listening to four kids recap ALL OF THE THINGS in a play-by-play fashion that would make sports commentators jealous. Seriously, it's just too many words for me to take. Believe it or not, a twenty minute story can be boiled down to a three sentence 'highlights only' version. In the interest of full disclosure, this only works if your kids have mastered summarization. But in my family, three out of four boys have this achievement under their belt, so essentially, I've gained years of my life back with this strategy. YEARS. You're welcome.

5) "If you guys are going to break each other's arms off, then take it outside."  I'm not going to lie, when I first said this I almost washed my own mouth out with soap. It just sort of erupted in a moment of weakness during a long summer day when I was D.O.N.E. with sibling rivalry and just needed somebody to win, for the love of all that's holy without me kicking them all out of the house 'til kingdom come. But then again, if you think about it, I'm really kind of preparing them for the real world...survival of the fittest...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and all that. Someday they'll probably look back on those days that I just about HAD IT with fondness and say, "Remember when Mom was about to flip her gourd and made us go outside to fight it out? She really did us a solid. Good times."

6) "You're my favorite." This is a classic little ditty heard frequently around our house because I am now a crafty veteran of sixteen years and I am not afraid of using a little manipulation positive reinforcement combined with friendly competition to recognize when a kid gets it right. They all LOVE to rub it in their brothers' faces when this golden phrase is bestowed by me upon whoever  happens to be trying to get on my good side at the moment. For instance, whoever gets in the car first in the morning without being told twenty thousand times that it is time to go... is my favorite. Whoever tells me they like my stir fry better than the Chinese restaurant... is my favorite. Whoever lets me have the last piece of their Hershey's chocolate bar when we are making s'mores...is my favorite. Word of caution: your kids have to be old enough to appreciate the good humor and tongue-in-cheek sass of this phrase. You don't want to scar a little toddler for life because you just called their big brother your 'favorite' (shudder- that's some serious adult baggage just waiting to happen). Want to know a cool thing about big kids that know you love them all equally and appreciate what makes each of them special?  You can tease them about trying to earn your favor and it really is a big joke that everyone can laugh about. I LOVE having older kids!

7) "I'm always on your side and I'm your biggest fan." They've heard it since the beginning. Because in the midst of the chaos and love that is our family, I never want them to doubt that every decision their dad and I make, we intend to be for their good. Even when it seems like I'm against them, it's because I'm actually for them. No one will outcheer their mom from the grandstand in the game of life. NO ONE. I'm there to support them in the defeats and there to celebrate their victories. That is one thing they can always count on. And if I get it wrong, I'm not above apologizing. It's no big secret to them that I'm not perfect. They're not perfect. Might as well lead by example and get on the "I'm sorry" bus when it's time. It teaches them how to be gracious at making it right when they mess up.

So, moms and dads- be encouraged. You're gonna say some crazy stuff along the way. You're gonna wish you had surround sound on a loop playing the phrases you say every day because you're getting tired of yelling at the top of your lungs strongly speaking the truth in love (because these kids are going to turn out to be happy, well-adjusted adults, dang it- even if it kills us). Laugh about it when you can. Say you're sorry when you screw it up. And make sure your kids know they're loved more than silver or gold. You'll find a way because there's no one that's more of an expert when it comes to their kids than you are.

*Got some "creative" parenting phrases that have made your list? Let's hear them!