Leave the Judging to Judy

I never cease to be entertained when I watch Judge Judy. This firecracker of a lady just tells it like it is- dropping the truth bombs left and right. She presides over each case LIKE A BOSS... chopping down cases and letting the chips fall where they may because she has no obligation to a relationship with either the plaintiff or defendant. The encounter in the courtroom is a one-and-done event. Her counsel is given while roasting the litigants (which slays me, btw). Justice is served with a side of sarcastic humor. (Please indulge me a few classic Judge Judy quotes in this blog, I beg you!)

Many times I have been tempted to go all "Judge Judy" on someone. Not in a you-broke-the-law-now-you-must-pay sense, but in the I'm-a-teacher-and-have-four-kids-so-I-know-the-best-decisions-you-should-be-making-in-raising-your-child sense. It's just so easy to allow thoughts to fill my mind that the student could be doing so much better if their parents would just... [fill in the blank].  This attitude of mentally judging parents became such a bad habit for me in the past that it began affecting my fulfillment in teaching. I inadvertently started basing my students' ability to succeed in the classroom with what I perceived was the quality of their home environments and family relationships. I took on the role of a victim when my students weren't achieving the standards because I blamed parents when they were not helping their kids according to my expectations. This mindset that I was helpless to influence the achievement of my students because I don't control the circumstances of their home life was leading to serious burn-out. I couldn't let go because I was holding on too tightly to my poor-me-I-will-never-reach-this-kid-because-his-parents-don't care feelings. I remember being devastated after a particularly tough round of parent teacher conferences a few years ago. The needs seemed overwhelming.  The odds seemed stacked against the kids. Failure appeared inevitable.

So what's the answer to the devastating hopelessness of this mindset? It's more than just accepting that I do not have control over the decisions families make in child-rearing and the home life of my students. I found incredible peace when I mentally freed people from having to conform to my reality. Obviously not everyone has the same life situations- ergo, our values are vastly different. When I grasped the futility of expecting parents to follow the same thought processes as I would in engaging in their children's educational experiences, I was able to appreciate the principle of "separate realities" (Angela Watson- Unshakeable).  What informs a family's decisions is based on their reality. Their reality is not my reality. And I have an obligation to interact in a way that builds a trusting relationship all year. It is NOT my place to judge the priorities of families. It IS my responsibility to support their child in the learning environment. It is NOT my place to say how differently I would behave as a parent "if that was my child".  It IS my responsibility to show that student unconditional love and acceptance while holding them accountable for living up to their abilities and potential in the classroom.  It is NOT my place to assume that I know exactly what life virtues a child is not getting the proper instruction in at home. It IS my responsibility to teach students the standards expected at their grade and act as their guide in their discovery of the joy of lifelong learning.  It is NOT my place to worry about the absence of what I consider "normal" routines or the presence of seemingly chaotic functions in their home. (What is normal anyway?  Who decides what chaos looks like?) It IS my responsibility to communicate the ways that I can work with families and offer opportunities that educate and inspire parents to be their child's biggest fan in celebrating success. I offer, but the choice is theirs. I have a circle of influence, but not the power to persuade everyone to adopt my way of thinking.

I wish I could say that I have perfected always remembering these principles, and I am always happy-go-lucky, and I never worry about my students and never second-guess a parenting decision.  What I can say is that those worrisome thoughts no longer overwhelm me. There are still times I have to remind myself of these truths: this child is a gift TO THEIR FAMILY, parents are the experts on THEIR OWN CHILDREN, and their reality is SEPARATE from my reality.  I'm working on disciplining myself to reject thoughts that I know what's best in the entirety of students' lives based on only the portion of what I see in the classroom. I actively seek to recognize what I do control and maximize my opportunities in that area for all they are worth. I constantly look to leverage every resource at my disposal in my goal to reach students and make connecting with their family easier. And let me put in a big plug for GRATITUDE here. There is something miraculous that happens when I focus on being thankful for the chances I have every day to nurture and instruct during school hours. I mean, that's what I hope for my own kids!  Namely, a teacher that cares deeply for my child, that relentlessly pursues the best way she can teach them, and cooperates with me as a mom to help them be the best they can be. Not taking over my authority as a parent, but rather acting as another member of the team to help them succeed.  Connecting with my vision as a fully committed teacher and not a Judge Judy of parenting styles has helped me so much in adapting, executing, and enjoying my instructional and relational experiences with the kids in my class every day because...